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August 11th, 2007
It has been a while
I haven't been on this blogging site for months...
Still writing daily on my MSN Space, still firmly refusing to use my MySpace (only because it's gone so insanely popular it holds no appeal for me anymore) and my Tamagotchi (cool because it's so not cool) is 35 years old now...I want it to die but I don't want to kill it, and I won't let anyone else kill it either.
Yes, I am attatched to a toy...Very sad.
Work's been horrendous, as usual...Seemed to get busier after the school holidays, and everyone's been off sick at least once but me. Haven't been doing much else...Oh, except I moved. Unsure if I'd moved last time I wrote. I now live out in the sticks. It's great.
Actually, I like it better than Berwick. Pakenham has small-town friendliness combined with lots and LOTS of shops within walking distance. There are 15 hairdressers in Pakenham, it's crazy.
(And not one of them were open when I went to get my hair cut one Sunday - go figure.)
Since I last wrote, I've met, gone out with and dumped another boyfriend. Ah, me. I've been with 7 guys in the last year...And none of them are what I'm looking for.
Anyway, I'm going to a party tonight and I'm being picked up in twenty minutes, so I should probably go and get ready...
If anyone who is mildly interested in my regular going-ons (and if you're not, I don't blame you, they're not THAT interesting) you can read my MSN Space, which I write in every day or two, so it's pretty regular...Not once every 3 months...
Laters and shit.
Current Music: The Beautiful People - Marylin Manson
June 13th, 2007
Woe is me
Woe is my life
My parents care about me
Oh, how I hate them!
I have a microscopic pimple on my chin
Oh, how ugly I am.
I have everything I could possibly need
How life sucks!
How crap it is
To live in a country with hospitals and schools
And clean water and advanced technology
I could just cry!
My mother even makes me dinner
I wish she'd just leave me alone.
My boyfriend says he loves me
Nothing ever goes my way
No one understands me
At work I am slave labour
I might as well be in a Third-World country
Making 20 cents for 8 hours' work
Digging through garbage in 40-degree heat
Than serving customers in an air-conditioned resturant
Life is so unfair on me
I always get the short end of the stick
Even at school, teachers tell me what to do
Its just so horrible getting an education
Bettering my chances of getting a good job later on in life
Nothing ever goes right for me
If only life was perfect
"Melody Williams, 2006"
Current Music: Where Would We Be Now - Good Charlotte
June 9th, 2007
Crush out the screams
Of the butterfly
Pin your dreams
Current Music: All Black - Good Charlotte
June 7th, 2007
I just got my fourteenth piercing...
Well, I only have eleven in. But I HAVE had fourteen, the other ones just closed up. And out of the eleven, ten are on my head, so please - nobody freak out and imagine other rude places I might have them.
Piercings Ive Had, in date order:
First ear holes
Second ear holes
Third ear holes
Third ear holes again
At least Im better than Lana...Shes got 4 piercings in like, an inch radius of her face. Both nostrils, the little "bull" ring thing and the middle of her upper lip. But shes still fucking hot.
Check it out - www.spaces.msn.com/schmuck
('Tis my other blog - the one I update regularly!)
Am hungry. Signing off!
Current Music: All Black - Good Charlotte
June 6th, 2007
You know I still love you, right?
Current Music: The Others - Dukes Of Windsor
May 20th, 2007
Why are people so dim?
If you're going to try to debate with me (when really your only point which you try to pound into my head is "There is no evidence" on which I wholly agree with you anyway, fucktards) at least read my replies properly, and then you won't make absolute dickheads of yourselves by telling me I am a Christian when it is obvious I'm nothing of the sort.
:( I have a bruise on my knee from drunkenly falling over last night. Yay for parents with working cars, who come and pick me up so I dont have to sleep in the gutter like Anthonys mummy does when shes finished her shift on the street corners.
Or on a futon, which is just as bad.
On a brighter note, new house is almost finished...Anyone who reads my better blog will know this...but if you dont know the link, you are obviously a loser and dont deserve to read it anyway!
Gotta go, anyway. Have lots of shopping to do. Why do birthdays all come at once?
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: (s)Aint - Marilyn Manson
April 30th, 2007
Letters To Nobody
(Things I would say if I had the courage)
You piss me off with your chauvenist attitude and the way you always try to get me to screw you again. I hate that sometimes it works, but I rely on you to be there when I need a shoulder to cry on and you never fail to turn up and make me feel better again with a crappy joke or a punch in the arm. We've known each other 3 years now, and even though currently we're not speaking, we'll be okay soon because we always are. We fight constantly, but you're still the one I run to when nothings going right and I want you to know that I hope you'll come to me when things get tough as well. You were the first guy I ever properly loved and I'll always have a special place for you. Im sorry things didnt work out with us and that we grew apart. You were undoubtedly the sweetest, most loving boyfriend I ever had. You were absolutely devoted to me and I didnt appreciate you. I hope you find someone who does understand how special you are.
Where to start? I still have conflicting views towards you. Part of me doesnt like the way you threw my trust away, but I recognise I pushed you to it. Mainly, I just want to thank you for showing me how not to act in a relationship. I hope you dont feel jipped or anything because my boyfriends after you have had a lot more freedom. I dont ever want to lose anyone I love because of the immature and jealous way I behaved again, and I did love you...so much. I regret everything I ever did because it made me lose you, and while I feel Ive moved on Ill always be sorry about how we turned out. We had major chemistry (both in and out of bed) and Ive never felt more beautiful naked in front of someone as I have with you. You boosted my self-esteem and made me feel special, and we had so much fun together. Im sorry, and I miss you.
I hate when you ignore me for days. I think if a guy is into a girl he'll show her by calling or something. I understand that youre busy, but I feel like youre getting the better deal - Im always around when you want me, and youre never around when I want you. You dont hear the funny stories about work, or the teenage tragedies of my life. You think Im lower class because I work in fast food, but I enjoy it. Ive tried hard not to push you or nag you but its disappointing every time I flip open my phone after work and I havent heard from you for yet another day in a row, and I know you dont understand how much Ive changed, how flexible Im trying to be, or how used I feel when I get the train all the way to your house and sit there watching the tv while you do office work before fucking when you feel like it and having you not put any effort into making sure I enjoy it before you roll over and fall asleep. I dont see us working out, and Im sure you cant either, but I dont want to make the first move and leave you because I want you to care that Im leaving you and I dont think you will. I want to not care that you leave me.
Maybe, just like you cant be bothered to call or text me or see me more than once a week for what seems increasingly to be a booty call, you cant be bothered to dump me, either. Is it too much effort to let me know youre losing interest and let me go?
I miss you, though. When youre not around I think I dont care about you that much, but when Im with you I adore you so much, even when you dis me or are in a shitty mood or ignore me. I like the idea of you - having someone there, even when theyre not often there. Youre there when you are there, and even though its not much, I feel its better than nothing. I want to talk to you when I go over there, and have you take me to dinner and not bail on me. I want to hear about your day and have you listen to me tell about mine. I want you to make an effort in bed, and not expect every kiss will lead there. And dont be so anal about your bed. Its no fun having to get up and make it after sex when you want to lie there and bask in the feel of the other person.
Kisses forever (or as long as you want them),
Youre my best friend, my soulmate, the other piece to my puzzle. We've let each other down so many times, and had so many fights, and forgotten each other in the thrill of a new boy or the stress of a new job, but we're still each others' best girl and I hope it always stays that way. You understand me like nobody else does. We talk about everything under the sun, and even if we disagree on a subject its no big deal and we dont argue about it. I just wish I saw you more. I know you barely get a break from work and when you do, you like to be with Matt, but you have no idea how many nights I spend lonely in front of the TV because all my friends are busy. I love you so much, my darlink. Youre so much more than nothin'-but-a-slut-to-me.
Lots of love forever and ever,
Dear Mum and Dad.
You guys are the best. You might piss me off but youve raised me well and you stand by me through thick or thin. I dont like you telling me what to do or keeping your eye on me, but if you didnt do such a good job Id probably be in a whole lot more trouble than Id be in now, or want to be anyway. Im glad I didnt turn out like my friends whose parents have given up on them.
Im glad I can call you any time of the day or night and you'll pick me up from a bad situation or a place I dont want to be anymore. I know Im suppsed to give you grief, its my teenagerly duty, but I love you guys so much.
Dad, I want to thank you for adopting me. Id've thought of you as my dad anyway, but it means a whole lot more that you cared enough to want to be on my birth certificate and be linked with me forever. You work hard for us so we won't want for anything.
Mum, we're so alike and I hate it, but youre not too bad. You make me laugh so hard sometimes with your wacky personality. I wish you spent more time with me, but we're both so busy with other people.
To my brothers.
God, you kids are annoying. But you respect my privacy and right to the computer. I may not always be your favorite sister because I dont come bearing gifts every 3 or 4 months, but Im the one you'll have the most memories with. People say, "Oh my gosh, 5 brothers? How do you cope?" but I always defend you. I say, "Ahh, theyre not that bad. They leave me alone, and I always have someone to hang out with at home." I miss you guys when youre not here making noise and causing fights. You are all special in your own way, and I really hope you dont grow up trying to be gangstas or little fuckwit troublemakers, but I dont want you to be soft either. If ever any of you gets into trouble, Ill always be there to defend you and beat the shit out of any little bastards who hurt you (or your feelings). Even though you'll all be taller, bigger, faster and stronger than me one day, youll always be my little brothers and I love you all so much.
April 15th, 2007
I wish for you
I shouldve known there were worse guys out there than you - ones who would ignore me more, hit me more, betray me more, lie to me more, hurt me more, and insult me more.
So why did I let you go?
And why cant I stop thinking about you when Im supposedly happy with someone else? When they are actually treating me okay? When I should be completely focussed on them, when we're in bed together or cuddled on the couch and I suddenly wish it was you, it drives me insane but I sort of like it as well.
I wish you hadnt let me go either. I wish I was worthy of fighting for in your eyes, but I understand why you'd had enough. I could be a real pain in the arse sometimes.
I wish I wasnt so immature and clingy and hell-bent in ruining every good thing that comes my way. I wish I was still your girl, that we'd jumped all the hurdles hand in hand. I wish you were thinking of me right now.
I wish...I wish.
I wish for you.
I wish you were wishing for me too.
Current Mood: Wistful
Current Music: Freak On A Leash - Korn
March 28th, 2007
When to tell someone you love them
I hate this subject, so Im writing about it. WHEN DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOURE DATING THAT YOU LOVE THEM?
I dont remember when Shane (the first guy I loved) told me, but we mostly said it during sex at the heat of pumping passion. Otherwise it was all fun and games - Monopoly and buttered toast with tea on a rainy Saturday, walking miles around Fountain Gate to buy an elusive CD, or hanging at Johnos house or the park smoking and making dirty jokes. That was me and Shane - we just hung out and had sex.
Now on to Chris (second guy I loved). I told him I loved him after a weekend at his house - I think it was the time we slept together. He looked at me like I was mad, so I quickly (train was coming) explained that I loved his personality and I really liked him as a boyfriend. He told me a few weeks later that he loved me, but I didnt know what to say so I think I just nodded and said yep, or something equally stupid. It was a bit before we were both saying love you (or rather, "Wa-wu") on a regular basis with no weird feelings.
Danny told me he loved me within the first 4 days. I cant say I didnt give Danny a fair go. I spent two weeks trying to convince myself I really did like him, until I just couldnt keep it up anymore and had to dump him. For all his "I love you, babe"s he wasnt heartbroken.
And now last night I was incredibly close to telling Gary I loved him, except we'd spoken about quick I-Love-Yous and agreed that they sucked. I just feel we've gotten close really quickly, but I know I ought to wait, which brings me to the point - how long? Should I wait for him to say it first? Should I do something cutely-naff like Chris and I did and say I like you/I adore you instead? Im a bit afraid it will slip out unexpectedly and then he'll go, "Commitment! Argh!" and run away.
I dunno...Just last night, when we were all alone in this big field with an awesomely huge moon shining on us and he was laying in my lap watching the shooting stars, I just felt this huge rush of affection for him. It wasnt the nervous first-date giggle-and-blush crush feeling, it was like, what I used to feel for Chris when he was asleep and looking adorable, or for Shane when hed try to kiss me all sweaty from tennis. This was serious affection, and I dont know what to do with it...except convert it into lots of knee-trembling pashes and hope the L-word doesnt slip out before hed ready to hear it. Besides, I dont want to be one of those people (like Danny) who tells anyone theyre seeing that they love them. Theyre big, heavy words. Not to be thrown up in the air, because theyll come down like a rock and plonk you on the head.
I think Ill wait at least 3 weeks, or till he says it first. He certainly was keen to see me again. It looked like he was going to cry when I told him I wasnt able to spend much time with him till next Tuesday night. On which day, I am of course spending the night at Charlenes, NOT seeing sexy boys who ride motorbikes and make ninety thousand a year and have their own apartment.
Anyways, must dash.
Current Music: Lovesong - Amiel
March 24th, 2007
Warning - quite soppy. Though nobody knows about/reads this blog, so I can say what I like.
I keep remembering lately the really happy times I had with Chris. Not that I miss Chris so much - I have well and truly accepted that what happened with us is for the best and we just didnt try hard enough with each other. I miss when he drove us back to his place from mine, and I was reading a chick-lit in the front and just occasionally would look up and tell him I love him, or kiss him at a red light, or angle myself so I could flick the pages one-handed while resting my hand on his thigh.
Or reading the new Cosmos on his bed while he mucked around on the computer and at the end of every 2 or 3 articles (or when the endless pages of crappy fashion got boring) getting up to give him a kiss and see if he was doing anything interesting (usually not). Of course, we usually ended up in bed squashing and tearing my precious Cosmo mags, but what Im craving isnt about the sex or the lusty feelings, its about looking at your favorite person in the world - the person you go to first when something exciting happens, the person you tell all your embarrassing secrets to, the person you know will love you whether youre in daggy clothes with a face mask on or dressed to kill and fully made up - and the feelings behind a kiss on the cheek and a ruffle of hair. Its about thinking, God hes adorable, and HAVING to jump up and hug him cause you just cant help it, and falling asleep hand in hand or snuggled up close and being so content and happy you just never want to move.
THATS the stuff I miss. Not the sex, not the mad passionate ripping-off-of-clothing. I definately want the softer, more content side.
Problem is...Whenever Im properly content I get bored and want to spice it up with a bit of drama, therefore ruining all chances of being happy because my conflict-hating partner gets overwhelmed by my frequent mood swings and irrationality and ends it.
Anyways - enough soppiness. Im only seventeen. Ill find it someday.
Current Music: When Its Over - Sugar Ray